PSYCHOLOGISTS use the phrase
“progressive menaces”
in their professional vocabulary.
This may seems an ideal
way to describe matrimony,
but it does convey the idea
that marriage is not static.
It is ever changing.
As with any normal relationship,
a couple continually faces changing situations
that require each person a new orientation,
a new pattern of reaction, a new way of facing life.
In individual lives,
our greatest years of productivity
usually come later in life.
Wayne Dennis at Brooklyn College
studied the lives of 156 well-known scientists
who lived beyond age of seventy.
He found that the decades of the forties
and fifties were their most productive.
The years of sixties and seventies,
while not as productive as the forties and fifties,
were years of high output.
But their twenties were their least productive years.
Four major poets
who lived beyond eighty
did more work in their last decade
than they did between twenty and thirty.
Tennyson was eighty when he wrote
“Crossing the Bar.” Michelangelo painted
The Last Judgment at age sixty.
The most satisfying and fulfilling years
of marriage are also likely to be later in life.
Make your marriage one for the “long haul”
Your Love Life
It Takes Two to Make a quarrel.
WALTER Trobisch once said,
“When a couple comes to me
and wants to get married,
I always ask them if they have
once had a real quarrel not just
a casual difference of opinion but a real fight.
“Many times they will say:
‘Oh no! Pastor, we love each other.’
“Then I tell them:
‘Quarrel first and then I will marry you.’
“Then the point is, of course, not quarreling,
but the ability to be reconciled to each other.
This ability must be trained and tested
before marriage. Not sex, but rather
this quarrel test, is as I see it,
a required premarital experience.
“The question is, therefore:
are we able to forgive each
other and to give in to each other?”
Harsh words and argument
often involve an eruption of long-harbored bitterness.
We may not be able to control
all the factors that lead to hurt feelings,
but we each can keep bitterness
from growing in our hearts.
If an issue warrants discussion,
discuss it the very day the issue arises.
If you don’t act upon a hurt by the day’s end,
consider the issue past.
Burn the bridges of that hurt and don’t look back on it
“When a couple comes to me
and wants to get married,
I always ask them if they have
once had a real quarrel not just
a casual difference of opinion but a real fight.
“Many times they will say:
‘Oh no! Pastor, we love each other.’
“Then I tell them:
‘Quarrel first and then I will marry you.’
“Then the point is, of course, not quarreling,
but the ability to be reconciled to each other.
This ability must be trained and tested
before marriage. Not sex, but rather
this quarrel test, is as I see it,
a required premarital experience.
“The question is, therefore:
are we able to forgive each
other and to give in to each other?”
Harsh words and argument
often involve an eruption of long-harbored bitterness.
We may not be able to control
all the factors that lead to hurt feelings,
but we each can keep bitterness
from growing in our hearts.
If an issue warrants discussion,
discuss it the very day the issue arises.
If you don’t act upon a hurt by the day’s end,
consider the issue past.
Burn the bridges of that hurt and don’t look back on it
Love…,
Love is the one business
in which it pays to be an
absolute spendthrift: Give it away;
splash it over empty your pockets
shake the basket; and tomorrow
you’ll have more then ever.
LOVE is often called
the “queen” of the fruit of the Spirit,
the supreme manifestation of the Christian character.
Donald Grey Barnhouse has
made this very clear in his description
of the fruit of the Spirit
Love is the key.
Joy is love singing.
Peace is love resting.
Longsuffering is love enduring.
Kindness is love’s touch.
Goodness is love’s character.
Faithfulness is love’s habit.
Gentleness is love’s self-forgetfulness.
Self-control is love holding the reins.
A strong marriage is founded upon love.
Sustaining that love is an ongoing privilege.
Begin and end each day
with words of love and acts
of kindness for each other.
Pour your love out upon one another;
don’t withhold it in anger or resentment.
Let your love spill over into joy.
Let love fill your home with peace.
Endure irritations and difficulties
with kindness and goodness.
Be faithful to your spouse
in word and deed
Love gently, controlling
anger or displeasure.
Don’t be like the man
who responded to his wife
when she complained that
he never told her he loved her:
“I told you I loved you
on our wedding day,
and if I ever changed my mind,
I’ll let you know.”
Share your expressions
of love generously and frequently!
in which it pays to be an
absolute spendthrift: Give it away;
splash it over empty your pockets
shake the basket; and tomorrow
you’ll have more then ever.
LOVE is often called
the “queen” of the fruit of the Spirit,
the supreme manifestation of the Christian character.
Donald Grey Barnhouse has
made this very clear in his description
of the fruit of the Spirit
Love is the key.
Joy is love singing.
Peace is love resting.
Longsuffering is love enduring.
Kindness is love’s touch.
Goodness is love’s character.
Faithfulness is love’s habit.
Gentleness is love’s self-forgetfulness.
Self-control is love holding the reins.
A strong marriage is founded upon love.
Sustaining that love is an ongoing privilege.
Begin and end each day
with words of love and acts
of kindness for each other.
Pour your love out upon one another;
don’t withhold it in anger or resentment.
Let your love spill over into joy.
Let love fill your home with peace.
Endure irritations and difficulties
with kindness and goodness.
Be faithful to your spouse
in word and deed
Love gently, controlling
anger or displeasure.
Don’t be like the man
who responded to his wife
when she complained that
he never told her he loved her:
“I told you I loved you
on our wedding day,
and if I ever changed my mind,
I’ll let you know.”
Share your expressions
of love generously and frequently!
Marriage Inspired by Consideration, and Respect
ONE might not think of a bank’s monthly newsletter
as the place to read about the importance
of good manners in marriage,
but consider these wise words a staff
member at the Royal Bank of Canada once wrote:
“Many of things that disturb family life
are the product of original mistakes
compounded by bad manners.
Walter Hines page, distinguished
United State ambassador to Great Britain, said;
‘The more I find out about diplomatic customs,
and the more I hear of the little-big troubles
of others, the more need I find to be careful
about details of courtesy.’
“If love is the foundation of happy marriage,
good manners are the walls and diplomacy
is the roof. “Manners for two are fixed by
the same rules as are manners for the million,
based upon the Golden Rule.
They spring from kindness,
courtesy, and consideration, with a dash
of savior faire the faculty of knowing
what to do and how to do it.”
For some,
the secret of a happy marriage
lies in finding out what please the other person,
then doing those things. For others,
the secret lies in discovering
what irritates, annoys, or angers
another person, then not doing those things!
Marriage may be inspired by music,
soft words and perfume; but
its security is manifest in work consideration,
respect and well fired bacon.
as the place to read about the importance
of good manners in marriage,
but consider these wise words a staff
member at the Royal Bank of Canada once wrote:
“Many of things that disturb family life
are the product of original mistakes
compounded by bad manners.
Walter Hines page, distinguished
United State ambassador to Great Britain, said;
‘The more I find out about diplomatic customs,
and the more I hear of the little-big troubles
of others, the more need I find to be careful
about details of courtesy.’
“If love is the foundation of happy marriage,
good manners are the walls and diplomacy
is the roof. “Manners for two are fixed by
the same rules as are manners for the million,
based upon the Golden Rule.
They spring from kindness,
courtesy, and consideration, with a dash
of savior faire the faculty of knowing
what to do and how to do it.”
For some,
the secret of a happy marriage
lies in finding out what please the other person,
then doing those things. For others,
the secret lies in discovering
what irritates, annoys, or angers
another person, then not doing those things!
Marriage may be inspired by music,
soft words and perfume; but
its security is manifest in work consideration,
respect and well fired bacon.
Disagree without Being Disagreeable
THE Lyrics of a song proclaim,
“I am a rock, I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”
Unfortunately, those who live with rocks and islands
often do feel pain and cry.
People who think of themselves
as being entirely self sufficient are,
in fact, selfish. They nearly always proclaim
their opinions as the only ones that count,
their feelings as the only ones that matter.
Such a person is rarely capable
of a good argument they simply make
speeches and walk away.
If you are the spouse of such a person,
Dr. James Dobson offers this advice:
Change that which can be altered
explains that which can be understood,
teach that which can be learned,
revise that which can be improved,
resolve that which can be settled,
and negotiate that which is open to compromise…
accept that which cannot be changed.”
If you and your spouse cannot find
an area of agreement, accept the fact that
you disagree. Rather than suffer in silence
at another’s selfish tirades, simply say,
“I have another point of view.”
Open acknowledge your disagreement
may very well be your first point of agreement!
If we must disagree,
let’s disagree without being disagreeable.
“I am a rock, I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”
Unfortunately, those who live with rocks and islands
often do feel pain and cry.
People who think of themselves
as being entirely self sufficient are,
in fact, selfish. They nearly always proclaim
their opinions as the only ones that count,
their feelings as the only ones that matter.
Such a person is rarely capable
of a good argument they simply make
speeches and walk away.
If you are the spouse of such a person,
Dr. James Dobson offers this advice:
Change that which can be altered
explains that which can be understood,
teach that which can be learned,
revise that which can be improved,
resolve that which can be settled,
and negotiate that which is open to compromise…
accept that which cannot be changed.”
If you and your spouse cannot find
an area of agreement, accept the fact that
you disagree. Rather than suffer in silence
at another’s selfish tirades, simply say,
“I have another point of view.”
Open acknowledge your disagreement
may very well be your first point of agreement!
If we must disagree,
let’s disagree without being disagreeable.
Find Time for Anything.
COLLENS EVANS writes in my lover,
my friend: “I’m not sure exactly what I said,
but between sniffs and sobs…I told him
how hungry I was to be with him,
to have time to talk and dream alone…
“We sat and talked for a long time,
saying things we both wanted and needed to hear
…I remember louie thanked me
for being honest about my feelings…..
And then he did a simple,
practical and, to me very beautiful thing.
He took his little date book from his pocket,
and looked until he found a free night.
it happened to be Thursday
of the following week, and he said,
that’s our night’….Out of that night
came a decision to put aside time
every week for same purpose….and so
it has been in all years since….Thursday night.
“Now I’m sure many couples
are able to find time for each other
in as easy unscheduled way,
and that’s wonderful.
But that didn’t work for us.
With our kind of life
we found we had to make time.
You will never “find time for anything.
If you want time, you must make it.
my friend: “I’m not sure exactly what I said,
but between sniffs and sobs…I told him
how hungry I was to be with him,
to have time to talk and dream alone…
“We sat and talked for a long time,
saying things we both wanted and needed to hear
…I remember louie thanked me
for being honest about my feelings…..
And then he did a simple,
practical and, to me very beautiful thing.
He took his little date book from his pocket,
and looked until he found a free night.
it happened to be Thursday
of the following week, and he said,
that’s our night’….Out of that night
came a decision to put aside time
every week for same purpose….and so
it has been in all years since….Thursday night.
“Now I’m sure many couples
are able to find time for each other
in as easy unscheduled way,
and that’s wonderful.
But that didn’t work for us.
With our kind of life
we found we had to make time.
You will never “find time for anything.
If you want time, you must make it.
Friendly and charming relationship
ELIZABETH endured hall on earth
during her formative years.
She was one of eleven children born
to a father who was an oppressive,
dictatorial tyrant. His angry rages
often sent sensitive Elizabeth to herbed any variety of ills.
It wasn’t until she was forty years old
that Elizabeth met Roberts.
Roberts did not see her
as a sickly middle-aged invalid.
Rather, he saw her as a beautiful,
talented woman just waiting to blossom.
He loved her will all his heart and
withstood several brutal confrontations
with Elizabeth’s controlling father
before he finally won her hand in marriage.
Glowing in love for each other,
they traveled the European continent,
marveling at God’s wonders
and at their own love.
At forty-three, Elizabeth gave birth
to a healthy boy.
Their lives were full and beautiful.
In great joy, Elizabeth wrote to her husband
the incomparable words of “How Do I Love Thee?”
True loveliness and charm had wonderfully
entered Elizabeth Barrett’s life
when she became Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
When we pour the balm of love
on our spouse we can help bring
healing to past hurts and encourage
them to walk in God’s wonderful plan for their life.
There is no more lovely,
friendly, and charming relationship,
communion, or company than a good marriage.
during her formative years.
She was one of eleven children born
to a father who was an oppressive,
dictatorial tyrant. His angry rages
often sent sensitive Elizabeth to herbed any variety of ills.
It wasn’t until she was forty years old
that Elizabeth met Roberts.
Roberts did not see her
as a sickly middle-aged invalid.
Rather, he saw her as a beautiful,
talented woman just waiting to blossom.
He loved her will all his heart and
withstood several brutal confrontations
with Elizabeth’s controlling father
before he finally won her hand in marriage.
Glowing in love for each other,
they traveled the European continent,
marveling at God’s wonders
and at their own love.
At forty-three, Elizabeth gave birth
to a healthy boy.
Their lives were full and beautiful.
In great joy, Elizabeth wrote to her husband
the incomparable words of “How Do I Love Thee?”
True loveliness and charm had wonderfully
entered Elizabeth Barrett’s life
when she became Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
When we pour the balm of love
on our spouse we can help bring
healing to past hurts and encourage
them to walk in God’s wonderful plan for their life.
There is no more lovely,
friendly, and charming relationship,
communion, or company than a good marriage.
Jesus Christ is the cornerstone of marriage
MARRIAGE involves a blending of lives,
not merely a “joining.”
Many marriages flounder
because each continues to look back
over their shoulder at freedoms and relationships
they had in the past.
When a couple invites Jesus Christ
to be the cornerstone to their marriage
the strong foundation upon which
they build their relationship
they are inviting Him to walk before them.
Then He is free to lead them forward
into the unique purpose
He has for them as married couple.
We are unique as individuals,
but each marriage is also unique.
It is as individuals and one of a kind
as the two people involved.
Just as God created us as completely
original individuals, so we need to
invite Him to make our marriages
completely original relationships.
This can only happen
when each person in the relationship
yield his or her individuality to God’s higher purpose.
C.S Lewis said, “Self exist to be abdicated.
In self-giving we touch a rhythm,
not only of all creation, but of all being,
for the Eternal word also gives Himself in sacrifice.”
Marriage was designed
to teach us about
our relationship with Jesus.
The key to a good marriage
is loving self-sacrifice.
A personal relationship with Jesus Christ
is the cornerstone of marriage
not merely a “joining.”
Many marriages flounder
because each continues to look back
over their shoulder at freedoms and relationships
they had in the past.
When a couple invites Jesus Christ
to be the cornerstone to their marriage
the strong foundation upon which
they build their relationship
they are inviting Him to walk before them.
Then He is free to lead them forward
into the unique purpose
He has for them as married couple.
We are unique as individuals,
but each marriage is also unique.
It is as individuals and one of a kind
as the two people involved.
Just as God created us as completely
original individuals, so we need to
invite Him to make our marriages
completely original relationships.
This can only happen
when each person in the relationship
yield his or her individuality to God’s higher purpose.
C.S Lewis said, “Self exist to be abdicated.
In self-giving we touch a rhythm,
not only of all creation, but of all being,
for the Eternal word also gives Himself in sacrifice.”
Marriage was designed
to teach us about
our relationship with Jesus.
The key to a good marriage
is loving self-sacrifice.
A personal relationship with Jesus Christ
is the cornerstone of marriage
Your Thoughts Determines Your Marriage
The direction of your thoughts life
can determine the course of your marriage.
As train 8017 made its way through
salerno, Italy, on March 2, 1944,
there was no indication of impending disaster.
The chugging train didn’t derail or burn.
But shortly after 1:00 a.m.,
the train loaded with 600 passengers
lumbered into the Galleria delle Armi.
When two locomotives
pulling the train were halfway
through the tunnel, their drive wheels began to slip.
The wheels lost traction and the train stopped.
All else is speculation since both engineers died.
Carbon monoxide snuffed out the lives of nearly 500 people.
As analysts surveyed the wreckage,
they found that the leading locomotive
was unbraked, but its throttle was positioned
“full ahead.” The two locomotives
had pulled and pushed against each other
each engineer obviously
having fatally different ideas
about what to do! Some have speculated
that no lives would have been lost
of the engineers had been in agreement
about which direction to go.
Today,
make a decision with your spouse
that you will both move your thought life
in the direction of God then
stay close by controls of your minds.
can determine the course of your marriage.
As train 8017 made its way through
salerno, Italy, on March 2, 1944,
there was no indication of impending disaster.
The chugging train didn’t derail or burn.
But shortly after 1:00 a.m.,
the train loaded with 600 passengers
lumbered into the Galleria delle Armi.
When two locomotives
pulling the train were halfway
through the tunnel, their drive wheels began to slip.
The wheels lost traction and the train stopped.
All else is speculation since both engineers died.
Carbon monoxide snuffed out the lives of nearly 500 people.
As analysts surveyed the wreckage,
they found that the leading locomotive
was unbraked, but its throttle was positioned
“full ahead.” The two locomotives
had pulled and pushed against each other
each engineer obviously
having fatally different ideas
about what to do! Some have speculated
that no lives would have been lost
of the engineers had been in agreement
about which direction to go.
Today,
make a decision with your spouse
that you will both move your thought life
in the direction of God then
stay close by controls of your minds.
Argument the longest distance between two points.
In Letters to Karen,
a book written to his daughter
by Author Charlie W. Shedd, he shares
“Our Seven Official Rules for a Good, Clean Fight.” They are:
Before we begin
we must both agree that the time is right.
We will remember
that our only aim is deeper understanding.
We will check our weapons often
to be sure they’re not deadly.
We will lower our voices
one notch instead of raising them two.
We will never quarrel or reveal private matters in public.
We will discuss an armistice whenever either of us calls “halt.
When we have come to terms, we will put it away
till we both agree it needs more discussing.
Says Shedd,
“No small part of the zest
in a good marriage comes from working
through differences. Learning to zig and zag
with the entanglements; studying
each other’s reactions under pressure;
handling one another’s emotions intelligently
all these offer a challenge that simply can’t
be beat for sheer fun and excitement.”
We can experience that
“sheer fun and excitement”
when we learn to apply the above rules
for a good, clean fight and apply ourselves
to open, honest communication.
a book written to his daughter
by Author Charlie W. Shedd, he shares
“Our Seven Official Rules for a Good, Clean Fight.” They are:
Before we begin
we must both agree that the time is right.
We will remember
that our only aim is deeper understanding.
We will check our weapons often
to be sure they’re not deadly.
We will lower our voices
one notch instead of raising them two.
We will never quarrel or reveal private matters in public.
We will discuss an armistice whenever either of us calls “halt.
When we have come to terms, we will put it away
till we both agree it needs more discussing.
Says Shedd,
“No small part of the zest
in a good marriage comes from working
through differences. Learning to zig and zag
with the entanglements; studying
each other’s reactions under pressure;
handling one another’s emotions intelligently
all these offer a challenge that simply can’t
be beat for sheer fun and excitement.”
We can experience that
“sheer fun and excitement”
when we learn to apply the above rules
for a good, clean fight and apply ourselves
to open, honest communication.
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